Voldemort Discovers Omegle
by kakashinaruto.jummasaur
Summary: I love Omegle! And love pretending to be Voldemort on Omegle! Here are a few of my conversations that I have deemed Fanfiction worthy, take a look they really are quite amusing. Rated M for swearing and mild sexual references.
1. Voldemort's a Pussy

**A/N:** Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeey guysss! So I don't know about you guys but I love Omegle, I also like to pretend I'm different characters on Omegle today it was Voldermort and I thought that these were fanfiction worthy! So I've taken these conversations and put them up for you.. I have edited them a little where I have missed words, I've put capital letters in and fixed SOME punctuation.. just don't be a Nazi about it remember this was Omegle and it is very informal... but other than that these conversations are completely original I did not sit down and write them trying to be funny, these actually happened and I wanted to share them with you! I will be putting more up if I do more so I hope you enjoy these and tell me if you want more!

Rated M for swearing and some sexual terms.

LV/HP CONVOS_

The 'You' character is me.. and will always be Voldermort unless stated otherwise!

LV/HP CONVOS_

**Conversation One - Voldermort's a Pussy and Dumbledore is his father.**

You: I AM VOLDERMORT FEEL MY WRATH!

Stranger: You don't have a nooooose

You: Soo? I can breathe out my mouth.

You: and I have slits..

You: NOSE SLITS

Stranger: Your parents must have taken "got your nose" too far

You: Thats an old one ^^

Stranger: Hahaha, no nose

You: Potter's used that way to many times on me it doesn't even upset me anymore

Stranger: Nooooooooo noooooooooose

You: NOOOOOO BAALLSSS.

Stranger: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOSE

You: How about I cut off your nose and see how you like it..

Stranger: And I would hope I dont have balls, I am Female

You: Dang it..

Stranger: Haha

Stranger: Bitch

You: And atleast I can't be called NOSEY!

You: Ffuuuu D;

Stranger: Nope

Stranger: But you can be called bald

You: I quite like my baldness.. Severus told me it was endearing

Stranger: He also was a big part of why Harry Potter stayed alive and was able to defeat you

You: BULLSHIT.. SEVERUS LOVED ME!

You: -crys- WHYYY SEVERUS WHYYY?

Stranger: Pfffft, pussy

You: I'M POWERFUL THAN YOU

Stranger: Suuuuure

Stranger: Pussy

You: Go suck off the Weasel.

Stranger: Oh, and nice job hiding those horcruxes

Stranger: Not

You: WHAT? YOU KNOW ABOUT MY HORCRUXES?

You: FARRKKKK DUMBBIIEEEEEE YOU WERE MEANT TO KEEP THOSE SECRET

Stranger: Pfft. nice job, loser

You: Dumbledore was actually my father soo FFUUUUUU!

LV/HP CONVOS_

Heeey guys so that is conversation one! read and review (:


	2. Cookies And a Broomstick

A/N: Heeeeey so all my Omegle conversations start out with the same line! So I hope you liked Conversation One but this one is my favourite! It was a 2 hour long conversation very amusing!

Rated M for swearing and sexual terms.

Again I am the 'You' character and I am playing Voldemort.

LV/HP CONVOS_

**Conversation Two - Cookies and a Broomstick**

You: I AM VOLDERMORT, FEEL MY WRATH!

Stranger: Really?

Stranger: This again?

You: Potter?

Stranger: Don't you usually wait until the end of the school year?

Stranger: Obviously.

Stranger: What are you doing on a muggle contraption anyway?

You: Yeah, ahh I kind of figured that wasn't working out soo.. I moved it up to the middle O.o Too unusual?

You: I'm a *cough* Half-blood *cough* remember?

Stranger: Well, yes, but you always seemed to hate all these muggle things.

You: Well I like this one...

Stranger: That was why you killed muggle born witches and wizards.

You: JUST LIKE I LIKED KILLING YOUR PARENTS POTTER

Stranger: They died protecting me, remember?

Stranger: It's why you can't touch me.

You: Noooooo! I KILLEDD THEEEMM...

Stranger: Also, I forget. Is Snape on my side at the moment or yours?

You: I can touch you.. see -poke- seeee -poke- HAHA IM TOUCHING YOU -poke-

You: Severus is NOT on your side

Stranger: I keep forgetting.

You: Gosh Potter, I knew you were an idiot but really..

Stranger: It's not my fault. He keeps changing sides.

You: Yeah.. he is a tricky bugger.. how about I give him a few rounds of crucio for you next Death Eater meeting?

Stranger: I'd appreciate that actually, thanks.

Stranger: Just don't tell him it was my idea.

Stranger: I don't need to lose more house points.

You: Yeahh, he really does hate you.. O.o Sorry bout that I kind of told him that you'd be like your..

You: Wait!

You: Let me quote

You: "ARROGANT FATHER!"

Stranger: Wait, this is all your fault?

Stranger: You dick.

You: Nooooo -shifty eyes-

Stranger: This is effecting my GPA

You: I'm really sorry..

You: You know what?

Stranger: What?

You: To make it up to you I'll call off this attack and wait 'til the end of the year.. how does that sound?

Stranger: That'd be great. I need more studying time as is.

You: Yeahh, do you think you'll pass your N.E.W.T.S, is it this year?

Stranger: I hope so. Last thing I need is to fail out of Hogwarts and have to get some sort of muggle job.

Stranger: I think I'd just let you kill me at that point.

You: I KNEW IT! YOU HATE MUGGLES TOO!

Stranger: What? I never said...

You: And goodluck on the N.E.W.T.S Potter, they really are tricky. (I passed all mine ;D)

You: I KNEW IT I KNEW IT..!

Stranger: I don't hate them. One of my best friends is muggle born.

Stranger: See? Not magic-ist.

You: Why don't you dump the bushy haired know it all, both the Weasels, (You know her vag is so loose she doesn't need a hand bag O.o or so I'm told) and the Dumblefuckk and join me in world domination.. you can even crucio Severus ;D

You: Yes yes but really she still is a witch so it doesnt count you can like her but I bet you hate her parents..!

Stranger: I've never met her parents...

You: Really? I thought you hadd O.o

Stranger: Well, I might have. Maybe they didn't make an impression.

You: Well, I know you hate the Dursleys.. Fat idiots.

Stranger: Well.. yeah...

You: Really? I thought her mum tried to hit on you!

Stranger: Oh, damnit. I had blocked that out!

Stranger: Why'd you have to bring that up?

You: Sorry.. D;

Stranger: Besides, join you? Who'd I hang out with? Malfoy?

You: I'd be grossed out too.. -Ugghh-

Stranger: I have to hear him complain enough as is.

You: PFFT.. THAT FAGGOT? HAHAHA NO!

You: You'd be my right hand man join me! besides we have cookies.. (Severus is a really good baker you know?)

You: And you'll make friends!

Stranger: Cookies?

You: Yes.. Cookies.

Stranger: I mean, come on, I'm supposed to be the 'good guy'

You: How about I buy you a new broomstick as well...? I heard the new Firebolt came out yesterday.

Stranger: Shit. I do love flying...

Stranger: How about this, if you can guarantee I'll pass my classes, you've got a deal.

You: Deal.. I'll crucio Severus 'til he does pass you and I'll imperio all the other dicks you call Professors?

Stranger: Alright, cool.

You: We even have our own Qudditch team! We have an opening for seeker you'd be a shoe in!

Stranger: Fuck yes, quidditch. I am all about that.

You: I know Potter.. or should I call you Harry now?

Stranger: Well, since it seems like we're going to be friends... Harry.

You: Greaatt! Greaat! You can call me Tom..

Stranger: Ok, Tom.

You: Or Voldy.. (Death Eaters found it 'cute' ughh I'm the Dark Lord I am not 'cute').

Stranger: Seriously? You haven't avada kedavra'd someone for that?

You: Well it wasn't as bad as what they had before. -shudder-

Stranger: Haha, I've got to know.

You: Repeat this and I will Avada Kedavra your ass..

Stranger: Ok...

You: Tommy Wommy Voldy Moldy Mortykins Riddlelydums.

Stranger: Bahahaha

You: QUIET!

You: Stop laughing at me! It's not that funny

Stranger: Yeah...yeah...

Stranger: I had a thought.

You: Yes?

Stranger: Don't tell Snape anything yet.

Stranger: Wait until I'm in class with him and then send him an owl about it.

You: I pinky promise!

Stranger: I want to see his face.

You: YES! YOU ARE BRILLANT HARRY!

You: But what time is Potions? I want to send it right at the middle! I know he does his lectures in the middle..

Stranger: It's around 10

Stranger: Right before Lunch.

You: Really, I wish he would stop showing me all his lesson plans and practicing his lectures for me..

Stranger: Oh god, he practices them?

You: It will be done Harry! Record it for me?

Stranger: Absolutely.

You: What did you think he could get it off the top of his head? Pfttt.

You: He spends hours and I mean HOURS on them.

Stranger: With the mistakes he makes... Yeah, I thought it was all improv

You: No, just a really good actor -uggh-

You: You know when he's 'marking' in class at his desk? He's actually writing his lectures..

Stranger: Wow... That's pretty sad.

You: Well our poor Severus did have a sad childhood. But really he's like a kitten when you get to know him! he's all snuggly -throws up- and stuff, and he wears yellow... YELLOW... when he's here not black..

You: He got his death eater robes made out of yellow...

Stranger: Oh shit. That I've got to see.

Stranger: Seriously, I'm dying over here.

You: I have pictures.. he's dancing in them too..

You: To a song called ahh I think it was um.. the Hamster Dance? I think.

Stranger: Wow.

Stranger: Damn, Tom. You're alright.

You: Thanks Po-ahh Harry you're alright too.

Stranger: Great. I'll be seeing you. This might actually be fun.

You: I know.. ahh did you want the Dark Mark orr?

Stranger: Yeah, I guess that's important...

You: Yeh.. it only stings a little I swear!

You: I actually have one too O.o

Stranger: Really? huh.

You: Yeah.. I had to test it out somehow..

Stranger: Guess that makes sense.

You: Oh and ahh Harry?

Stranger: Yeah?

You: Could you please.. PLEASEEEE... kill that creepy bitch Bellatrix for me please?

Stranger: What? The one who makes googly eyes at you?

You: She keeps -shudder- rubbing herself on me like a dog in heat..

You: It's gross!

Stranger: Yeah. I think I can manage that.

You: Thanks a bunch Harry and do you think you could ahh set me up with that pretty little blonde friend of yours?

Stranger: I don't know... She's a bit crazy, but I don't think she's into evil.

Stranger: I could give it a shot...

You: Just ask her and see? please I really do think shes pretty.. and she can't be as crazy as psycho bitch in heat lady..

Stranger: Yeah, what the hell.

You: Thanks Harry! Is there anyone I could help you get in with? Surely you couldn't have actually like the she-Weasel

Stranger: Well, not really. But she was really into me. So, that wasn't too difficult.

Stranger: There's this hot asian chick, but she's been weird and crying all the time since you killed her boyfriend.

You: EEW CHO?

You: DUDE! You could get anyone you want and you want CHO?

Stranger: Ok, I know you think I'm nuts, but keep in mind, she's hot when she has her fucking mouth shut.

You: So what.. you're gonna spell her mouth closed? How you gonna get head huh?

Stranger: No, I'm just going to make it so she can't talk.

Stranger: Not like she ever had anything important to say.

You: And maybe cut out her tear ducts too?

Stranger: I didn't even think of that... That would be really helpful.

You: Orrr.. You could date my daughter!

Stranger: You have a daughter?

You: Yeahh..

Stranger: Does she...umm... have a nose?

Stranger: Cause you're like part snake or something

You: Yes, yes she does.. mine was ahh plastic surgery gone wrong..

Stranger: That explains so much.

You: I'm not part snake just you kind of destroyed my body and this was all I could get...

Stranger: I don't know, you just kind of look like a snake.

Stranger: I figured "Hey, maybe he's part-snake"

You: No.. Wormtail (useless) forgot to clean out the massive cauldren and well there was a Basilisk scale in it..

Stranger: Oh my god, he is so fucking stupid.

You: I know right.. Kill him too?

Stranger: Yeah. Totally. Mr. Let's be a rat for thirteen fucking years.

You: Great, great! (he looks like a rat even when hes not one).

You: Anyway.. back to my daughter.. you probably know her she's your age..!

Stranger: Really? Is she at Hogwarts?

You: Yeah, Slytherin as you can imagine

Stranger: Sure...

You: Don't you want to know who she is?

Stranger: Yeah, I figured you weren't done talking.

You: Ohh, well it's Pansy Parkinson.

You: Well its actually Riddle but you know I had to give her a fake name.

Stranger: Well, anything's better than when Sirius tried to set me up with his niece Rebecca.

You: Oh god not her.. She's HIDEOUS!

Stranger: Yeah, and she can't sing either.

You: And besides Pansy's under a glamour she really is quite pretty.. I mean she looks like I did when I was younger you saw those memories I'm sure?

You: SHE SANG FOR YOU?

You: Merlin.. did you want me to Oblivate you?

Stranger: I might. I can't get that fucking song out of my head. "Friday...friday..." Bitch, I don't care.

Stranger: And yeah, I totally saw those memories.

You: Yeah Pansy looks like that but with bright blue eyes and well girly..

You: And you know Sirius wrote that song for her right?

You: Prank gone wrong..

Stranger: Seriously? Damnit.

Stranger: I just can't believe people listen to it.

You: Now you understand why Severus hates him?

Stranger: Yeah, I think I can see that now.

You: Yeah.. Soo Remus and Sirius.. you think they got a thing goin' on?

You: I mean they seem really close.. REALLLYYY REALLLYY CLOSE.

Stranger: Yeah...I ended up staying at Sirius's for part of last summer.

Stranger: Let's just say those walls are pretty thin.

You: Oh Merlin.. I always imagined sirius as a groaner.. yes?

Stranger: Yeah, the whole thing was pretty noisy. You'd think they'd know there were other people in the house.

You: I don't believe they didn't think of a silencing charm! I mean me and Lucius used to-ahhh uhmmm..

You: Oh shit.

Stranger: Wait. Wha?

You: Ahh I used to have casual sex with Lucius Malfoy?

Stranger: Seriously? He seems like such a dick.

You: Yeah.. but it's pretty big ;D

You: Sorry..uhm yeah he's an asshole.

Stranger: I don't need to hear that...

You: We're actually waiting for you to admit you're gay Harry I mean the hair the glasses.. the shoes, the clothes it just kind of seems hard to believe you're straight

Stranger: What's wrong with my glasses?

Stranger: And I'm totally straight. I mean, I've been on dates.

You: Honey.. they're round like John Lennon's.. how many decades ago was that? Gees.. and that doesn't mean you aren't denying it.. even to yourself..

Stranger: I like my glasses...

Stranger: They're fabu—nice.

You: But you have beautiful eyes Harry.. they're gorgeous.. don't hide the behind those.. things..

You: I SAW THE FABULOUS HARRY DON'T DENY IT

Stranger: Yeah... alright... I might, I don't know, kind of like guys...sometimes...

Stranger: Or whatever...

You: It's Severus isn't it?

Stranger: Seriously? Maybe if he showered.

Stranger: Plus he had that thing for my mum. Kind of weird.

You: Oh come on! You talk about him ALLLLLLLLLL the time.. he picks on you.. and you know his mind works like a little kid in the relationship department (he's never had one you see just casual fucks)... they always bully the person they like.. and the mum thing well he actually only liked her as a sister and he does shower a lot its just a glamour for school..

You: you know you like him

Stranger: ... I don't talk about him all the time...

You: Really? Cause that's why we've talked a lot about him in this conversation and that's why you're ALWAYS complaining to the Weasel and Bushy haired freak about him and THAT'S why you always that he's the one behind all the threats..

You: Pfft Harry, you have a thing for the man.

Stranger: I don't know...He's my teacher.

You: Not to mention his nose really isn't that big and he actually has really nice white teeth..

You: Harry think about the perks of having sex with a teacher..

You: Less likely to get detention.. more leniency

Stranger: Yeah, but you just said he's been using a glamour. I don't even know what he looks like.

You: Besides he could take you to Hogsmead every weekend if you want!

You: You know what I'll send you a photo

You: -Sends Photo-

You: BAM SEXY OR WHAT?

Stranger: Oh, umm...That's...

You: Seee?

Stranger: That's Snape?

You: Yeah... and remember his voice? The one that is like melted dark chocolate that can give you an erection with one word...?

You: Yeah and now the looks..

You: UNFFF

You: BAM SEX ON LEGS THERE WE HAVE IT!

Stranger: Wow... that's ... unexpected.

You: Soo.. you willing to give him a shot?

You: I happen to know he really likes you.

Stranger: He does?

You: Yes he does.

Stranger: I mean... I don't know...

You: The whole I hate you 'cause you're your father thing is just an act..

You: He has to act like that to fool good old Dumblefuck.

Stranger: Huh... I...maybe?

You: Harry, he's hot, he's nice, he's smart, he's snuggly, he has a voice like molten lava and he LIKES YOU.

Stranger: Yeah, that could be good.

You: See.. go on.. after I send him the letter tomorrow talk to him (:

Stranger: Well, this'll definitely make class more interesting.

You: Exactly.. prehaps you can get him in his true form and out of those clothes.. I've seen him get changed.. he has the body of a GOD

Stranger: Ah, I'm going to have to... SHIT

Stranger: I have class to get to.

Stranger: This won't be awkward.

You: Ahh shit O.o

You: Severus' class?

Stranger: Maybe... yeah.

You: Shit you better go before he takes house points!

Stranger: Yeah. Who knows though? Maybe I'll get detention.

LV/HP CONVOS_

Sooo I hope you liked number 2! please review!

Lots of Love,

Jummasaurr .x


	3. Voldemort is sensitive about his age

**Conversation Three - Voldermort is sensitive about his age.**

You: I AM VOLDERMORT, FEEL MY WRATH!

You: Or don't thats cool.

Stranger: ...

Stranger: Pahahahaha

You: I know I'm not so scary now that Potter.. "defeated me"

Stranger: So your just hanging out on the internet Voldy? Thats cool!

You: Yeah, I decided that the internet was the best shot at getting followers so... join the dark side?

Stranger: Any time!

You: WOOOOH FIRST FOLLOWER

You: -cough- uhmmm ahh I mean.. Good or you will suffer my wrath!

Stranger: ;/

You: Ahh you haven't seen Nagini anywhere have you? Last time I saw her she was with that Longbottom boy..

You: I'd really hate for something to happen to her.

You: No? Oh ok that's cool.

You: Just leave the Dark Lord to have a conversation by himself..

Stranger: ...

Stranger: Sorry

Stranger: I was on youtube

Stranger: How old are you?

You: Hes obviously not good enough now that Potters "defeated him" -breaks down sobbing-

You: VOLDEMORT DOES NOT AGE!

You: Merlin.. kids these days.. you know what? I shouldn't have killed Severus, only useful one out of the lot of them.

LV/HP CONVOS_

Poor kid was probably like 12 O.o


	4. Voldemort Skin Shoes

A/N: Welcome to conversation number four where Voldemort teams up with Sherlock fandom criminal Jim Moriarty.

LV/HP CONVOS_

**Conversation Four - Voldemort Would Make An Interesting Pair Of Shoes. **

You: I AM VOLDEMORT FEEL MY WRATH!

Stranger: I AM JIM MORIARTY

Stranger: I WILL MAKE YOU INTO SHOES

You: I will steal your head and feed it to my snake.

Stranger: I will find you and I will ssssssssssskin you

You: My skin is pretty hideous.. Just saying o.O

Stranger: I am aware of that.

Stranger: Still, you'd make an interesting pair of shoes.

Stranger: By the way, I admire your work.

You: Thankyou! Would you like to become a Death Eater?

Stranger: Jim Moriarty, consulting criminal and Death Eater?

Stranger: Yes, I think I would.

Stranger: Make it easier to burn the hearts out of people, that's for sure.

You: Awesome.. Riddle Manor, Thursday at 2:00

Stranger: I'll be there.

You: Wicked... I think you and Bellatrix will get on nicely.

Stranger: I've already got someone, if that's what you mean.

Stranger: Sebastian Moran, my personal hired assassin.

You: Damn.. I need to get the creepy bitch of my back.

Stranger: I know someone who might be interested though.

You: Really? do tell.

Stranger: There are a lot of people in my network who would love a woman like Bellatrix.

You: Well you can set them up with her ;D

Stranger: I'd love to.

Stranger: I'm sorry about the whole Potter thing by the way.

You: Thankyou, he really is a pain in the ass.

Stranger: I know how you feel, I have a problem too... Sherlock Holmes.

Stranger: I can imagine.

You: Well if you become a Death Eater we can Avada Kedavra his ass.

You: Well I must be off, I will see you on Thursday my dear fellow.

Stranger: Yes, see you there.

Stranger: Very much looking forward to becoming a Death Eater.

LV/HP CONVOS_

Heeey guys so I really do hope you guys enjoy this conversations, they make me laugh so meh.

I'll see you guys next time and remember if you read it WIIATPP? is updated tomorrow.

Lots of Love,

Jummasaurr .x


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